I stay inside my own mind more often than I really ought to. I think it's why so many people have said they are intimidated by me, at least a part of the reason. It certainly isn't my physical stature because I am five foot two and curvy in awkwardly delightful ways. We've come to an understanding, my curves and I and negotiations are nowhere near any semblance of a table, so I have conceded the proverbial floor. But yes, people find me intimidating. It doesn't make a lick of sense to me to be honest, but it unnerves me in a manner that it pains to express. My mind is a marvelous terror in so many ways. I've offered people a glimpse into its workings and it has scared them on more than one occasion and that wasn't even the darkest corners that haunt even my consciousness. No, they are usually the simplest cause and effect of how I surmise a certain song to be stuck there or the string theory like chaos of how I understand things that I really and truly shouldn't.
I am not as guarded as I once was. I tend to be quite transparent in my so called aging wisdom. I am not old, that is not what I am saying. I am too young and I suppose it's a bit of my problem. I am too young to have others frightened by me in any manner. So I stare in the mirror with a creeping apprehension and whisper what I dread to say too loudly,
"I fear there is something terribly wrong with me."
You see in addition to being intimidating, I don't have a great deal of what one might call "friends". Certainly I have a great deal of those who surround me and declare that they love me. Due an odd quirk in my job, there are even those who leave love notes upon plastic envelopes and it has become the highlight of my week. I love a great many people, perhaps more than reciprocate my affections. I know this and have come to terms with it. I have resolved, however, that this should never be a detriment to my heart's expression. It's one of the many reasons that being found intimidating hurts me a little.
I love to be encouraging, I love expressing my heart to people and even sharing it with select few. Maybe it hasn't been enough. There are very few people who are on my "3am list", which is what I term those close enough to me that if I were to get a flat tire or a broken heart, they would come as quickly as possible to my rescue. To put it kindly, I have learned to change my own tires. I am of an age that it doesn't bode well to be the damsel in distress, but I have such a Joan of Arc complex that I am in a perpetuating state of wanting to rescue others, even if it hurts me.
Though intimidating isn't the worst that I could be described. In my delusions I believe it akin to being seen as strong which I suppose comes from the fact I don't like to be pitied. There was a time in my life where it was all I received because I was broken and it is a logical progression to pity one is such a situation. It didn't change the fact that I didn't like it. This is not a plea for pity, nor is it scorn for those who wish for it. I have a bigger heart than I care to sometimes and I am rendered into near tears as I am surrounded by so many people who feel alone and unloved and ugly. I want to hold each of them every day of their existence and speak life where there is so much death. I wish it was my job to do that, to talk to people and make them smile, let them realize that no matter how they feel
THEY ARE NOT ALONE
I am not impervious to this. I feel alone constantly and the staying in my mind bit doesn't help. It is simply that I know my own mind and even when it scares me, it is more familiar and safe to me than anywhere else. While my mind is rather fantastic and filled with so many wonderful stories and dreams and imaginings...it isn't enough. Perhaps no one will read this and I have come to terms with that, I truly have, maybe just one person will. So to those who do, if any, I wish to tell you something: I am here. I can't stay in my own mind anymore, it's not safe.
I am here for you even though I have likely never met you and in the oddest way I can tell you here and now, I love you. Life is too short to be so afraid all the time. It is too short to listen to the negativity, even if it's coming from yourself. Life is too short to waste it. I have made it my mission as of currently to reach out to as many people as I can because if I can alleviate any sort of pain for any sort of person...it is worth it. My life has been worth it.
I can't keep living in regret, dwelling on the things I never said and the people I care about that I never told. So if ever I can do anything whether it is just encouragement, a kind word, listen, or cure boredom, make you laugh, do let me know. I love to be an encouragement to people because there is too much pain in this life for people not to have a reason to smile. So when I say that I love you it is not in the romantic gushy manner that requires I be aware of your flaws or incur the pretense of false flattery or have a deep understanding of who you are. Nor is it shallow in the same manner I may love a particular coffee mug or a clever quip. When I say I love you it is from the deeply seated part of my being that understands that you are human, the same as me; you need to be heard, to be listened to, to be lifted up from time to time, to laugh, to smile, to feel less lonely. It is the agape love in which you are as much a part of me as I you because let's face it, at the end of the day, we're not so different you and I.
So, should you find I love you (which unless you are a truly awful person (and believe me when I say that takes a substantial amount of doing)) I offer you a part of my heart. It's a strange little piece and I'm not sure what is to be done with it, but it's yours. I'd like to think it helps, just to know you're not alone. To know that I'm not alone. We're only human after all.
