How a Room Full of Nerds Made My Heart Feel Home

There are certain situations, certain places, certain people that make you sigh, "My heart is home again." The family reunion I recently attended was definitely one of those. However, one of these situations came in a way that I did not expect remotely. Thursday night was the midnight premier of "Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World" a movie that is based off of a graphic novel series, the sixth and final of which just came out. (You sneaky and clever publicists!) A while back upon viewing a trailer I got excited about this movie. It combined some of my favorite things to watch; graphic novels, fight scenes, video games and nerdy boys. So Tim found the graphic novels and I started looking at what all the hype was about. These graphic novels were clever, they were funny, they were well written. A fellow nerd that I met in Poetry class last semester put together an event: let us gather and watch this movie at midnight.

Through a strange turn of fortunate events, I was able to get hold of tickets to an exclusive pre-screening. So, rushing to finish the newly purchased final book, I met my friend Matty Iden and his brother, surprising my brother with a ticket and we saw the movie...which is awesome by the way. I felt like a bit of a traitor seeing it before the person who had set up the entire get together, but I only had one extra ticket. Seeing the movie only made me more excited for the premier, after all, the tickets I had got for the pre-screening were handed out as a promotion. The midnight showing was for the people who wanted to be there, the people who wanted to see this movie first because they were so excited about it. Then it would be fun, then it would be people who would get the jokes that I was getting and laughing seemingly alone at. So that night after closing, I decided to dress up as a character. The outfit was simple and luckily something I had, after a bit more makeup and some colored hair spray, there I had it. Driving with a smile in my face and a rather disdainful brother in tow, we headed for the meeting place. When I arrived I was welcomed...by the one person at the large table that I actually knew.

Pulling up a chair, I was quickly introduced, including to a girl who, like me, had dressed up as a character. This instantly put me at ease and as conversations buzzed all around me, I found that it was so easy for me to join in. "2011 is going to be a disappointing year in movies? Well the Deadpool movie is coming out." Look of surprise, "You know who Deadpool is?" I can't help but smile as we talk about movies, comic books, anime and a variety of anime and comic books that are being turned into movies and exactly how we felt about it. It was strange for me to be so comfortable around people I had never met before. Despite my typically outgoing nature, I am by nature quite shy. Yet here I was talking to strangers, better yet, guys without a hint of a stutter. It was a strange comfort that I was not used to, but it brought a smile to my face. The theater was quiet when we got there, and getting our seats, more and more people piled in. Then something beautiful happened.

The room was abuzz with laughter and smiles. There were so many groups but people from one group knew the people from another group. I myself knew 5 people who were not a part of the group I came with, which in a theater that size and in a town I don't live in is uncanny. There were shouts of recognition all over and there was even another girl who was 'cosplaying' like myself and the girl who came as Roxie. Yet, despite my slightly strange appearance, I was not stared at like a freak (like the other times I have been to midnight premiers, which I have almost always dressed up for) I was smiled at and given a knowing nod, even winked at...by guys. Oh yeah. There was an overwhelming camaraderie and as the trailers were about to start I leaned in to my friend Jonathon, "I am amongst my own people." He smiled, "It's a good feeling, isn't it?" The trailers started and a thriller came on, a movie that seemed halfway decent until it stated, "From the mind of M. NIGHT SHYMALAN". The echo of boos was not only amusing but unanimous. "Give us back Avatar!" one particular patron shouted. The theater erupted in laughter. Then as the movie itself started, the Universal theme in 8 bit animation, complete with theme music, the whole theater erupted into cheers. I smiled until it hurt. Then Jonathon leaned into me, and what he said struck a chord with me so strong that it inspired this entire blog. "There is SO much love in this room," he said to me. I gasped in the darkness at the sheer truth of it.

Jonathon Hash was right. I looked around in the glimmering light of the screen and it was true. We were all nerds or significant others of nerds. We had that one underlying factor. We were the unpopular kids who at some point had been made fun of at school. We were the weird ones who went to conventions and dressed up as our favorite characters, who knew more about the Marvel and DC universe than how to be in a social situation without being awkward. As we looked at each other, laughing at the same parts, it was understood. As cheesy as it was, this was a safe place, we were among friends, people who understood. Our hearts were home here.

The movie was awesome...again. It really was so much better with people who actually got the jokes. As the credits rolled, there was applause and joyful laughter. Our group (who stayed until after the credits) came out of the theater with smiles on our faces. The ladies who had dressed up with me were gathered and pictures ensued. It was a strange thing to have a large group of people in front of you taking pictures. It is likely one of the closest things I will feel to being famous. Johnathan came in with us and had his friends take pictures. "What's taking so long?" "Well Jonathon, I'm sending you the picture I just took of them and it's taking a long time, see?" The phone was flipped to show a 'sending' bar moving like a snail. "You see how long it's taking, you see it?" We chuckled. "Besides," the picture taker, Aaron continued, "you're surrounded by three hot chicks, I don't know what you're complaining about." Every member of the picture blushed. "All right, get out of the picture, I took yours," another picture, "this is so going to be the background for my phone." I giggled, I was in a picture that was a background on a cute guy's phone.

I walked out of that theater with an inexplicable feeling of joy. I couldn't remember the last time feeling like that around people that weren't my family. Not at work, not at school, not at places where that should be precisely the way I feel. Thursday night was such a beautiful picture of Heaven for me. My heart felt at home and it thrilled me in a way that is hard for a person of my verbosity to explain. I know that there were hearts there that felt the exact same way. "There is SO much love in this room," he had leaned over and said to me.

Reunion of Hearts

This past month I went on a vacation, yes me, I went on a vacation. I went to a family reunion which happened to coincide with my gradparents' 50th anniversary. Fifty years together, the very thought boggles my mind, but it is so beautiful to me. It is very encouraging as well. I know people my age who have already been married and divorced and these two people have been together twice as long as I've been alive.

This trip to Colorado was by far my favorite. It just felt...different. I think it is due, in part, that I have finally forgiven myself. The time that I spent with my family in the mountains is something that I will treasure for a long time.It was wonderful to see my cousins who have grown so much since I saw them last and it was nice to know, that I too have grown...ok, perhaps not physically, but in some ways. The Rocky Mountains have always been a sort of soul solace to me I think. They are comforting to me in a way I can't describe. Mix that with people that I love deeply and it was a very wonderful situation. We laughed together, we played games and we celebrated being a family. It was something I needed more than I realized. I feel continually distanced from the people in my life, usually by my own doing. I need more affection than I know, more perhaps than I can admit to myself. So to span that distance and connect with people whom I love so much, it was a blessing I can't exactly put into words.

All I Have Left

This particular poem is dedicated to/ about a friend of mine. I've been writing a lot of poems lately about the people in my life, I suppose writing says all the things I have never been able to. It is something that I find interesting; I could write about how I feel all day with articulate verbosity and be content, for the most part, with never sharing it with a soul. These poems are like my diary in a way, I share the deepest part of my heart in them and through them, rarely intending for anybody to share them, anybody to understand that hidden part of myself. So here I offer you a peek into my diary as it were. Heartbreak is a universal trait, a feeling as human as our heartbeat. While the experience will vary, the pain reverberates in everything we are. This poem is about my experience. This friend knows of the existence of this poem, but said that he isn't ready for it. However, this poem is one of my best works and I want to share it/ my heart with you. If he reads this, and I truly hope that one day he does, well...I don't know. Step by little step he is coming back into my life and it thrills me in ways I wasn't ready to face. I missed my best friend. So I hope as you read this, that it encourages you or maybe that you can hear the broken beat of your own heart in it. So, if nothing else, please know you are not alone. This is an original work titled: All I Have Left


All I Have Left

I watched it.
From the start, I watched you trickle away
Piece by piece, dissipating from my life like water
Disappearing as you hit the dust
Where the sound of your absence echoed
The last drop pounding the last piece of my heart
You had dared to touch
The sound was deafening
It was painful and I could not bear it
I tried to let that last piece die
But a heart is not one to be severed
It pulsed and pounded, reminding me it remained
So I sought out the only way I knew
To quench the parched ground that had started to crack
But my hands grasped little but sand
Groping for a thing that no longer was there
Staring at my empty hands, my lip quivered
And I mourned the empty, listless nothing
That was now my possession
All I have now are pictures
Primarily in my mind as your face shines
My mind recalling you were my light in dark places
So I was Jean D'Arc crying on my sword
Realizing the sharpest pain was not your absence
But rather that you were no longer willing to fight for me
Though for the longest time I could not see it
Justice and Cupid are blind
Maybe the girl would've rather fallen on her sword
Than to see the beautiful everythings burn in the fire
Did she hear the voice of God?
Did I?

On the subject of writing

So recently I have been writing quite a bit. Primarily on my book, yes I am writing a book. It's strange actually. I started at the beginning, however the beginning is not the first part I 'saw' as a part of the story. So I started writing quite a while ago, at the beginning. However, like with anything written, I hit a wall. So, I pushed beyond the beginning and wrote the pieces that I 'knew'. Then I'd return to the part that stemmed from the beginning and I've been jumping back and forth like that the entire time I've been writing it. Well, recently I was able to tack on a huge 'piece' to the original line as it were. And with that ctrl-v stroke I breathed a sigh of relief. I am one step closer to being finished with it. A small step comparatively, but a step none the less.

Writing is rather like carrying a baby. There is that period where you find out it exists and you get so excited, tell all your friends. Though, as time progresses, the little thing starts dictating your life, sleepless nights and soon everything in your life becomes something that reminds you of it or makes you think "Hey, maybe when this thing grows up, they'll like this." You hear voices, real or imagined, that are telling you how it will look, the way it should act. Then there are those strange times that you swear you can hear its voice, it's own distinct voice calling to you. Telling you things, whispering your name, it makes schizophrenia look normal. It is no wonder that pregnant women and writers are not in a constant state of mental stability. Like pregnant women, the period of development ultimately leads up to birth. All the pain and discomfort ultimately leads to bringing this beautiful life into the world. Finally the rest of the world gets to see this little creation you've been carrying through and laboring on.

I am ready for that, to birth this thing, but it is quite a ways away from being ready. Like a baby, it's messy, it's going to make people angry, it will break their heart, it will make them laugh and maybe just maybe they'll see themselves reflected in its eyes. Who knows, it may even make a few people fall in love.

The whole thing started out with a dream. I had this ridiculously vivid dream, not of the beginning, oh no, that would have been too simple. I had a dream about the middle, it wasn't a funny scene as I would expect. The girl was alone and she was scared, terrified by what she was becoming. So she hid beneath her quilt and started to weep, unable to catch her breath. I woke up and as strange as it was, I put it in the back of my mind. The next dream I would have was not so kind. It was dark and heart breaking and is actually one of the saddest scenes in the story. This girl I had tried to ignore was holding the love of her life in her hands, pleading, perhaps with me. I watched with her as that love took his final breath and the light went from his eyes. I watched her screaming and then I watched her lose her humanity with the inability to cope with it. I woke up with tears in my eyes. I knew I needed to find out who this girl was, what was this couple's story. So began this mess of a writer's existence that I dived into.

Between said story and the poetry that I have been cranking out during school, I have written more in the past year than I have in my entire life and believe me when I sat that is saying something. It's a nice feeling actually. Eventually when I am finally done with school, I will be a middle school English teacher. However, to be a writer would be pretty nice too. Lord knows I have enough stories bouncing around in my head to get started. Which is another reason I decided to start a blog; so I can write and maybe even share some of my stories. I am excited about the possibilities.

And so it begins...

This is my first blog. Of course, I have posted blogs on Facebook and Myspace. Plenty of them. However, some very wise people have told me that I should have a blog on an official blog site. This will give me more flexibility with my writing, my writing being the reason I am doing this in the first place. So here it is, the beginning of what I hope will be a beautiful friendship. I am actually quite excited about it. So I raise a glass to you the soon and future readers. With that, I invite you into my world and hope you don't mind tagging along for the ride. And so it begins...
-AF