There are so many things that I could write about. Too many things really, which is nice and at the same time strangely conflicting. As though the stories constantly bouncing around in my head needed competition. This year is coming to a close and it's strangely bittersweet. This year has been, by far, one of the strangest I have survived. That is kind of what it feels like too, that I have survived it. I'm a full fledged, degree holding college student now. I've taken to it a bit better than I expected to. This is encouraging to me, because like anything daunting, I had found myself unworthy or more accurately unable to rise to meet something and overcome it.
I have become a writing fiend. If you want any evidence of that, simply look at the number of notes/ blogs I've put out. I can't keep myself inside my head anymore. It would kind of scare me if I did. I truly think that is why I write, to get my thoughts out of my own head. Though my writing was far more prolific earlier in the year. It's slowed down, mostly due to school. Though I have been working on a different story, which has been wicked fun. I have characters that are completely insane and that has been so much fun to play with. I guess it's because sometimes I feel like I might be losing it. My mind is a very messy and if nothing else, entertaining place. I suppose it's the core of my writing, the ability to place my otherwise random thoughts into words.
I have come through this mess of a college semester with rather fantastic set of grades. This too has been fantastically encouraging. I am smart. I forget that sometimes. When I was younger I used to fight it. Being smart was a one way ticket to unpopularity. I was cast out because I was the curve breaker. Then I hit a point where I didn't care, I was a smart girl and I wasn't going to fight that anymore. There aren't very many places for smart people to express themselves. Being smart doesn't seem to be a treasure in this culture anymore. Then we turn around and scoff when the smart kids are making all the money. I am a smart kid, not a super genius mind you, but I am quite intelligent. Sometimes it can be a bit alienating. It's hard for me to relate to people sometimes. Often I kind of sympathize with the guys from The Big Bang Theory. While I hope I'm not nearly as awkward, I feel I am sometimes. This is made worse in exponential degrees when I'm around a cute boy. I can't even think of what would happen if I was around a cute guy being smart...it would be like dividing by zero or something crazy like that.
It's so easy to feel fragile sometimes. So many people count on other people to be strong. Even the strongest person needs permission to break from time to time. To not allow this is to not allow that person to be human. Humans are fragile, excessively breakable. It's so easy to look over that fact, so easy to forget that we are all imperfect. It is our habit to put people on a pedestal. Those in whom we find attributes worthy of attention or admiration we tend to see as infallible or even invincible. Time and experience are sharp teachers and quite quickly teaches us otherwise. People weren't meant to be put on a pillar. It is unfair both to us and the person we hold in such high esteem. People deserve to be believed in, the same way that every soul deserves a chance to be. So many times we hold the hearts of people in our hands and we're so scared to lose them we hold so tightly that there is no room for them to breathe. I have been guilty of that so many times. I have a deep abiding fear of losing people in my life. It always seems to happen. Losing people is inevitable if you live long enough.
I like to be hopeful, particularly about people. Some say I am far too trusting, and maybe that is true. I believe in people, maybe more than they deserve. Is that even quantifiable? I have been stepped on, stabbed in the back and had my heart broken more times than I can count, but despite it, I've never stopped believing in people. Sometimes just being believed in can change somebody's life. It can make all the difference in the world. I believe in the sanctity of life, in the beauty of the human soul. It would certainly be easier to be less trusting, to be so cynical that I don't believe in anybody anymore. It would be easier for me in the long run, certainly less painful. I can't though. Maybe it's the deep seated optimism, maybe God has given me a heart for people because He knows I can't live alone, without fellowship. My soul needs to be with others. Perhaps it is selfish in nature. Maybe I believe in people so hard because I hope that some day, maybe some day, enough people will believe that same way in me.
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